What If The Behaviour Isn’t The Problem? Why replacing anxious behaviours works better than trying to stop them

What If The Behaviour Isn’t The Problem? Why replacing anxious behaviours works better than trying to stop them

You know those little things kids and teens do when they’re anxious? Picking the skin around their fingernails. Chewing the ends of jumper sleeves. Bouncing one leg under the table like they’re trying to power a generator.

Most of the time, we ask them to stop. Not because we’re annoyed (although the pen tapping can definitely test patience…), but because we worry. We see sore fingers, stretched-out cuffs, or the constant movement and we want the anxiety to go away. So we say, ‘Try not to do that,’ or ‘Sit still,’ or ‘Please stop picking.’

We mean well.

But the thing nobody really tells you is this: most of these behaviours aren’t the problem. They’re actually part of the solution.

They’re a young person’s way of coping when things feel overwhelming - stress building in a classroom, sensory overload in a busy corridor, pressure before an exam, or simply the huge effort it takes to keep up with everyday expectations. That behaviour - the picking, chewing, fidgeting - is often their nervous system helping them to regulate and be on more of an even keel.  It isn’t just a case of calming down, heightened emotions can go either way, too excitable and highly anxious.

When we tell them to stop, without offering another way to soothe themselves, what they often hear is, ‘Don’t cope like that. Cope better.’ By taking away their coping strategies we leave them dealing with heightened emotions with no outlet.

Except… they already are coping. That behaviour, as frustrating as it might appear, is helping them manage the moment.

So instead of trying to remove it, a far more effective - and much kinder - approach is to redirect it.

Rather than ‘stop picking your fingers’, you might offer a strategy that keeps their fingers moving repetively quietly during a lesson or while concentrating. It gives the same fine motor, repetitive action but protects the skin and provides a calmer outlet.

Instead of ‘stop chewing your sleeves’, it could be providing an outlet that keeps their jaw moving. The need to chew doesn’t disappear - but the damage to the jumper, and their self esteem, does.

Rather than ‘sit still’, especially for the child who bounces their leg non-stop, you can give the movement a purpose: a resistance band around their chair legs, a wobble cushion on the seat, or even simply permission to move quietly if it helps them focus. The action is still there - but now it works for them, instead of distracting them or drawing comments.

The goal isn’t to take the coping mechanism away. It’s to give them a better one.

Because when someone has a safer outlet, you don’t remove their ability to cope - you empower it.

This is where Grace Consulting helps

When families come to Grace, it’s often after months of noticing these behaviours and not knowing what to do next. They’ve tried the ‘just stop it’ approach. It doesn’t work - if anything, it often increases anxiety.

Our expert Neurodiversity and Special Needs Advisers are here to help. They are skilled in listening, to ensure they understand your situation. They provide advice and support on all areas, from help with understanding conditions and managing symptoms, to accessing support, services and funding.

When behaviour is seen as communication - not something to correct - everything changes. Anxiety reduces. Confidence grows. And life gets just a little bit easier to manage.

A quick note for employers

This matters in the workplace too. Many neurodivergent adults mask or suppress their coping behaviours during meetings or at their desks. That takes a huge toll. Supporting movement, sensory tools and alternative self-regulation strategies doesn’t just help employees feel safe - it helps them stay productive, focused and well.

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At Grace Consulting, we support children, young people, families and organisations to better understand neurodiversity, anxiety and emotional regulation.

Our experienced Neurodiversity and Special Needs Advisers work alongside families, schools and employers, offering practical, compassionate guidance that makes everyday life feel more manageable. From understanding individual needs to accessing the right support, services and funding, we’re here to help you move forward with confidence.

If you’re worried about a child or young person, or want to create a more supportive environment at home, in school or at work, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Find out more about how Grace Consulting can support you.